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Who is Real?

3/23/2017

2 Comments

 
Recently, I’ve seen discussions on social media about people referred to as TERFs.  That’s “trans exclusionary radical feminists.”  To my understanding, this refers to women who don’t accept trans women as ‘real’ women and therefore won’t invite trans women to events that are scheduled for women only.  This is a very controversial in some circles.  I’ve read various articles and posts online and discovered that this has been going on for decades.

So, what do I think?

First, we have freedom of speech and freedom of assembly in this country.  If a group of people want to gather and invite certain people and exclude others, that is their right.  It is also their right to speak their opinion in public if they wish.  They have a right to do this, even if what they say saddens or offends others.

At the same time, I find it impossible to define what a ‘real’ woman is, or a ‘real’ man, for that matter.  Where do you draw the line?  Does a woman who’s had a hysterectomy (ovaries now removed) still qualify as a ‘real’ woman?  What about how someone was raised?  Is a child who saw themselves as female and began transitioning at age 3 (lived as a girl from then on) more of a woman than someone who transitioned at age 33 or age 63?  Does having ‘bottom surgery’ (change from male to female genitals) qualify?  What of the intersex person who has Complete AIS (androgen insensitivity syndrome), who has an ‘F’ on their birth certificate, was raised as a girl, now lives as a woman, but has XY chromosomes (has no menstrual cycles, and cannot have children)?  Are they invited to the conference?

As I was born male and still go by male pronouns today, how can I wrap my head around this controversy among women?  In order to better understand it all, I thought about how I feel when I hear the words “Be a real man!”

How would I feel if a group of men decided to hold a conference for only ‘real’ men?  Let’s say they excluded me because I didn’t play football in school, have never bench pressed over 100 pounds, and often wear skirts or dresses when I go out.

Would I have feelings about this?  Sure, I would.  Being excluded from anything strikes an emotional chord in me, perhaps based on my history.  But let’s think this through for a moment.  Would I really want to attend a conference like that?  No.  I wouldn’t have much in common with such a group anyway.  But, more importantly, I disagree with trying to define men in such narrow terms in the first place.

Would I attempt to stop that conference?  No, I wouldn’t.  Perhaps such men need to talk about football injuries in a safe environment, where other people just wouldn’t understand.  OK.  Would I disagree with their use of the term ‘real men?’ Yes I would.  But not because I need them to approve of the idea that I am also a ‘real’ man.  That’s because, to me, a ‘real’ anything is irrelevant.

You see, in the long run, I get to decide who I am.  I am real.  Really me.  What kind of man am I?  Well just ask me.  I’ll tell you.  It may take awhile for me to describe myself, because I’m complicated.  I might refer to myself as ‘gender queer’ based on some aspects of my gender identity.  My body is human male, for all practical purposes, ok.

What about male privilege?  Sure, I ‘enjoy’ privileges in life stemming from many things, such as the fact that I’m six feet tall, pale skin, male body, thin build, raised protestant (sort of) from a middle class family, and grew up in an almost ‘all white’ town.  I’m supposedly dripping with privilege!

At the same time, I was seriously underprivileged socially.  I was an underweight ‘misfit’ when it came to school, gym class, swimming lessons, college, the medical system, romance, and the Army (I was drafted).  I was bullied constantly while growing up.  Other kids called me a queer before I had any idea what that meant.  In those ways, I was in more of an ‘underclass’ or perhaps I should call it an ‘outcast’ class.

So, it’s always complicated, from my point of view.

So let’s say you consider yourself a woman, regardless of what kind of body you started out with or what body you have now.  What makes you real?  I say you get to decide.  I happen to know that plenty of ‘real’ women think of themselves as not fully qualified because their bodies don’t look like the ones in fashion magazines.  Well, to me, you are just as ‘real’ (perhaps even more ‘real’) than the pictures of the women shown on those pages.

Here’s my invitation:  If some women want to have a conference and exclude you, let them.  If they want to say you’re not a ‘real’ woman, you don’t have to accept that because nobody can define what’s ‘real’ for you.  If you want to hold a conference and exclude them, be my guest.  Or perhaps hold a conference for all women, or even all people, and invite them, if they’re willing to attend.  You have the power.



2 Comments
Glenn C. Koenig link
3/24/2017 12:50:28 pm

As I am not a trans woman myself, I am interested to hear of your experience if that's how you define yourself. Or even if you define yourself otherwise. I'm looking for a respectful conversation, here, so please no vilifications of individuals. My goal is better mutual understanding between people, building bridges across political divides, and promoting mutual respect and support of each other.

Reply
Lauren Gartenlaub
3/24/2017 05:40:31 pm

I think that the major problem facing us is that there are more than two genders, apparently. Is a trans woman who wants to keep her penis even if she could have SRS a woman? Well, kind of. But I as a lesbian wouldn't want to deal with a penis,

So we need more than "male" and "female". TERF's are wrong because they deny the humanity of a certain group of people. They claim that trans women are still men because we were "socialized as men". I was not socialized as a man but as a freak.

Also what about the trans kids who were socialized as their true gender from before puberty? Are they not really women or men?

You are happy with your body as it is, even though you like women's clothes. You are still a man.

It is the people who try to dehumanize others who are the problem. I can list myself as a trans woman or just a woman. Because I fit very comfortably into the binary box called "female" that is how I see myself. But I can acknowledge non-binary identities and I am in no way trying to "enforce the binary". It would be lovely if we could include space for everyone, both traditional identities and non traditional.

We all live on this planet together. Let's try to male it easier for everyone.

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