Why not blame?
I grew up immersed in what I call 'the blame culture.' If something went wrong, the people around me looked for someone to blame for it. For example, my family of origin was often late when heading off on a trip to visit relatives. On the way there, in the car, I often heard the words, "If only you had, ... (fill in the blank), ... then we'd be on time by now."
Years later, looking back, I realized that this exercise in blame never improved anything. Next time, we were still just as late. So our tradition of blaming was essentially useless. Why, then, did we keep doing it? I was puzzled.
Eventually, I realized that assigning blame actually gave us a sense of security. If you think every bad thing that has already happened could have been avoided, then you can pretend that we humans are perfect! It's as if we're always in control of everything. We can adapt for all possible circumstances ahead of time! We can anticipate every problem and counter it before it happens! So anyone who doesn't perform flawlessly is just being lazy or evil.
But that's not how life works! Most things in life "go wrong" because we can't help it. We're human, after all. We make mistakes. Our resources (time, energy, money, etc.) are often limited. We don't have perfect forethought. Our emotions can get the better of us or even overwhelm us! Communication is often imperfect. External circumstances can change suddenly, rendering our plans useless. I realized that, most of the time, we are all doing out best, given the circumstances.
But to accept this about life can be really frightening! Think about it: Suddenly, you're faced with the question: "What? We don't have absolute control over our lives?" or, "Things can go wrong and I don't really have control over it?" That's just too scary for many of us! It's easier to pretend that we're always in control.
My first step was to start practicing forgiving myself. Later, I came up with a T-shirt with this message to help other people forgive themselves. Some of my philosophy about blame inspired me to make this video "Beyond Hate."
Years later, looking back, I realized that this exercise in blame never improved anything. Next time, we were still just as late. So our tradition of blaming was essentially useless. Why, then, did we keep doing it? I was puzzled.
Eventually, I realized that assigning blame actually gave us a sense of security. If you think every bad thing that has already happened could have been avoided, then you can pretend that we humans are perfect! It's as if we're always in control of everything. We can adapt for all possible circumstances ahead of time! We can anticipate every problem and counter it before it happens! So anyone who doesn't perform flawlessly is just being lazy or evil.
But that's not how life works! Most things in life "go wrong" because we can't help it. We're human, after all. We make mistakes. Our resources (time, energy, money, etc.) are often limited. We don't have perfect forethought. Our emotions can get the better of us or even overwhelm us! Communication is often imperfect. External circumstances can change suddenly, rendering our plans useless. I realized that, most of the time, we are all doing out best, given the circumstances.
But to accept this about life can be really frightening! Think about it: Suddenly, you're faced with the question: "What? We don't have absolute control over our lives?" or, "Things can go wrong and I don't really have control over it?" That's just too scary for many of us! It's easier to pretend that we're always in control.
My first step was to start practicing forgiving myself. Later, I came up with a T-shirt with this message to help other people forgive themselves. Some of my philosophy about blame inspired me to make this video "Beyond Hate."
Great for:
• Family reunions & holiday discussions at the dinner table
• Meeting with your ex
• Asking your boss for a raise
• Answering the door when your teen returns home late
• Discovering your 2 year old has unrolled all the toilet paper
Gain the element of surprise! Show up and defuse any tense situation, simply by wearing this shirt!
You might even get more hugs this way! Or, at least some laughter!
Warning: You might be expected to hand out tissues.
You might even get more hugs this way! Or, at least some laughter!
Warning: You might be expected to hand out tissues.