Inner Blog

I did it!

2/5/2019

Last Saturday, Feb 2nd, 2019, I lead my "Understanding Blame & Shame and how to work through them" workshop for the first time. This was at the "First Event" conference in Marlborough Mass. Although there were other workshops and sessions being held at the same time, 20 people attended mine! They were engaged, responded during the Q & A sections, and gave me some really good suggestions on how to improve my presentation & exercises. And that's exactly what I wanted! Although when I first create something it seems "perfect" just the way I've conceived of it, the fact is, I have finally come to understand that nothing is as it at first seems. I could only approximate what my audience really needed while creating it - I needed them to see it all and only then could we have a conversation about what's really needed. So, I'm very pleased at this outcome, to say the least. Afterward, people contacted me with comments and even one request for a signed copy of my book.

Unfortunately, I forgot to ask anyone to take a photo of me while leading it, so I don't have anything to post here. All I can show you is the setup I had in my living room when I staged a test run of the whole thing, for an audience of ... one person! But he took notes and gave me some feedback, so it was well worth it. I even realized some things myself, that I wanted to change, just while standing there, giving my talk and pretending to lead the exercises.

On the left, I had my laptop computer (with the small white dot of light on it) on a tray table. In the center is my video projector (although I didn't have to take it with me because they provided one in the room I was given). The screen is one I picked up somewhere. It's very old (from the days of Kodak slide projectors, back in the 1960s.) but still in great shape.

By the way, the colored light string you see above the screen is always there in my living room, not part of the presentation. I put that on in the evening in order to see where I'm going while walking through the room when I'm not in there to read or watch TV. At only 2 watts, using this kind of light this saves tons of electricity when compared to leaving conventional area lighting (table & floor lamps) on.

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Year End Message

12/26/2018

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Here at the end of 2018, I hope everyone has gotten through the year ok and perhaps even had some triumphs along the way. It has been a tough one - of reviewing what's important in life and letting go of some things that just weren't working out. 2019 promises to be a bit nicer.
I have been hanging back from publicity for many months because I needed to rethink my direction and take care of things that needed taking care of.

In 2019, I will be working on a series of video segments that I started late this year. I'm also putting together a workshop for LGBTQIA+ youth and their allies on the nature of blame and shame and how to get through them. I'm set to lead the first one at First Event in Marlboro, Mass. on Feb 2nd, 2019. As things firm up, I'll provide more details here on this web site (on the Appearances & Events page) and in other media.

Publicity is a huge amount of work and I burned myself out in late 2017 by trying so hard. By early 2018, I was sad and depressed about how little results I had achieved when compared to my expectations. (300 copies sold, instead of 3000 or 30,000? I haven't even recovered my financial investment, much less earned anything for the three years of labor to write and publish it.) So now I'm trying to take things a bit slower, one step at a time, and keep my energy more in balance.

The hard lesson I had to learn is this: There is no "get rich quick" path in life. If that's the "American Dream" then it's just a dream. Everything takes hard work. One person out of millions wins the lottery or happens to benefit from something they created "going viral" unexpectedly. They make big headlines, and everybody cheers. But the truth is, the rest of us have to work diligently at what we do, and still there are no guarantees.

I worked very hard to make a high quality book, and from what those who have read it tell me, it really is a good book. But just making something of good quality is not good enough to do well, financially, in today's world. There are millions of other people out there, all trying to do the same thing, writing books, making videos, writing songs, performing, etc. Only a few people will ever become widely enough known to "get rich" (or even earn a modest living!) for their efforts. For the vast majority of us, it will take years of hard work before any results come in.

So, my focus has shifted. Survive on what I can earn, ok, but do what seems to have inspired me recently. Use my book as "a giant business card" (as someone phrased it earlier this year) and get up, go out, and give talks, participate in panel discussions, and run workshops. Do these things to help the people who don't have the vision that I have. Do them for the people just starting the gender identity journey I've been through, to lend them the benefit of my experience (so far). Go out there and be an example of a Universalist - a person who strives to love everyone, regardless of their flaws or mistakes or bad behavior along the way. Please wish me well, and I wish you well in turn.

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A Major Shift in My Life

10/3/2018

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It has taken me all these years to finally call myself an artist. I think part of the delay stems from how the world seems to define “art.” If you’re an “artist” you draw or paint. You can do charcoal or watercolor or oils or acrylics, but it usually involves a canvass of some kind. Ok, sculptors might be included. Now we have “fiber arts” which nobody spoke of when I was young. But if you’re a musician, a poet, a photographer, or an actor, people don’t often call you an “artist.” Somehow, these are separate categories.

Most of my life, I’ve made my living in what people called “high technology.” I wrote computer software back in the 70s and 80s, then transitioned in the 90s and 00s over to database design, which is still a kind of software engineering. I was also an independent video producer for awhile, so that was a different kind of “high tech” work.

Now, of course, we use computers for almost everything, including graphic art, sound recording, video production, writing poetry, you name it! Even so-called “3D Printing” can be used to create sculptures.

But when I step back, all these things are “art” in a way. They involve creativity and an understanding of the characteristics of the medium at hand. Some involve more “logical” thinking than others, but they all have creativity in common. To me, they are all really “art,” just in different media.

The main difference is how much you can get paid! It’s funny how, if you can’t get paid much, or the tools you use are somewhat primitive, then you’re an “artist,” but if you get well paid or your art involves modern technology, then it must be something else.

I’ve been recording videos, taking photographs, and writing for many years. But because I got well paid to do software engineering, database design, and even video production (sometimes), I shied away from calling myself an artist.

Back in 2014, I decided to write and publish my first book. During that time I kept up with my existing database clients, but I failed to go out and shake the trees for more work. Some of my existing clients faded away during that time. So, now I have very few database clients left.

My dreams of making it big with my book were dashed when the reality of publishing hit me early this year. In general, you don't write a book to make money, you write a book to lose money. Indeed, I have yet to break even selling my book, even though I've sold over 300 copies so far. It's not that I didn't try really hard, or that I didn't price it so that I get a good return as an author. It's that I dreamed of my "wonderful" book selling thousands of copies. These days, that's really rare, no matter how good your book is. We're all competing with something like 40,000 books published every year! That's one hell of a lot of competition when you're trying to stand out from the crowd!!

But I digress. The point is, ...

Suddenly, I’m struggling financially, for the first time in a long time. So, presto! Now that I think of myself as poor, I must be a true artist, right? Ha ha!

Recently, it hit me when someone repeated the classic line, “Well, don’t quit your day job!” We think of actors who wait tables, writers who drive taxis (or now for Lyft or Uber) or rock band musicians who move furniture. So my “day job” was working with computers (although I did drive a taxi way back in 1980).

But my “day job” has actually quit me too, in a way. FileMaker, the database product I have been working with since the mid 1980s (and earning a living with since the early 1990s) has evolved. Technologically, it keeps getting more and more sophisticated, with more and more features to keep up with. But even more importantly, FileMaker, inc. has decided that their market is more with medium sized businesses than individuals, so they changed their pricing structure and focus to reflect that. But I love working with the “little guy,” so to speak, and that market has all but dried up completely. Very few self employed people are going to shell out $500 for a piece of software these days, unless their needs are very sophisticated and they have the income to support such expenditures. Of course, that’s the smallest cost in the game when the computer it runs on costs more than that, and my services, at over $100 per hour, can quickly eclipse that amount.

But, again, I digress. The writing on the wall is that I need to make some changes! And, I really want to change things. As I get older, my interests have changed.

Then something happened recently that pointed me in a new direction (even though it's an old direction, in a way):

About a month ago, an old friend contacted me to help her organize the files on her computer, then make the transition from her old computer to a new one. I would work for “credit hours” through the Cambridge Time Trade Circle, a kind of new economy. I agreed and we got started.

While working with her, I began to show her how to use some of the features built into her computer that she could use to continue working with her files after we were done with our sessions. I showed her, step by step, how to do what I was doing and answered all her questions. She wrote down instructions for herself to use later.

After a few sessions, she told me how incredibly grateful she was with my help! She told me how computer experts had helped her in the past, but they never explained what they were doing in a way that she could understand. They just sat down, made some changes & said “OK, here you go.” The next time she got stuck, she still didn’t know what to do. I have often heard this from other friends of mine, as well.

I love to teach people things and explain things in ways that others can understand. I want people to be more empowered to do things for themselves. I certainly don’t want to become an indispensable technology “priest” who performs mysterious “magic” on people’s computers that no mere mortal (or muggle?) can ever understand. Ugh.

So, I thought this over. Yes, I know a few other people who have good “people skills” as well as a thorough knowledge of computer technology. But I know vastly more people who need help with this sort of thing, so I’m sure there is still a “market” for what I like to do. The only problem is that my “candle” is hiding “under a bushel” at the moment. I need to get the word out that I am available to do this work, what my rates are, and how to contact me.

Of course, this is my “day job” in a way. But it is certainly a job I want to do well, just as someone who waits tables wants to do well by their guests (and not just for the tips). My art (that is, my photography, my videos, and my writing), are still center stage for me. And my desire to help people struggling with their gender identity is definitely a big priority for me as well.

So here I am introducing my “Life 4.0” (or whatever version I’m up to). Help people with their technology (be it computers, video or otherwise) as well as pursue my creativity in all the areas I desire.

This is all really a continuum for me, as teaching is also an art, whether I’m teaching them about how to use the technology available, or teaching them how to stand tall in their gender identity and dispel fear, shame, and embarrassment about being ones true self.

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Hibernation, then emergence

6/5/2018

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For the past few months, I've stepped back from promoting my book. I had been wearing myself out doing the traditional things, such as book readings and signings at bookstores, setting up and staffing tables at conventions and trade shows to sell a few copies and promote my book to bookstores, etc.

Then, I collapsed. Exhausted. I guess I did well. I've sold about 300 copies by now. That's supposedly pretty good for a first book from a new author who was not previously famous for anything else.

But something just didn't seem right. It's taken me awhile to ponder the whole picture. I've come to realize that trying to "save the world" by getting my message out to millions of people is just not the right path for me. So, what am I here for instead?

Then I remembered one of the many suggestions others have given me throughout this entire publishing process. What about PFLAG? What about BAGLY? Go talk to them! That means I will visit groups of LGBT youth, parents, friends, etc. to appear on panels or answer questions as they all try to navigate through this world. A world that still has plenty of homophobia, transphobia, etc. to deal with.

So that's what I'm doing now. Please wish me the best.

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Inspiration seems to fall from the sky, ... sometimes.

3/14/2018

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It's fascinating how life works, sometimes.

Sometimes, it seems as if I've reached a dead end. The games on my iPhone call to me, I watch reruns of my old favorite programs on TV, or I end up on Facebook and then flinch when I look at the clock and see how much time I've spent.

Then, at some point, all these addictions seem to run out of steam. I'm tired of them and I'm left with few other choices. I could just go with nothingness. I'm still getting used to the prospect of just sitting in meditation. My mind seems to be much more comfortable being active! Or, the alternative: Get up and face the difficult tasks, the scary things, the risky, and the unknown. Ugh!

But, as it turns out, nothing ever stays the same as long as I'm open to change. My energy level is never really constant. The phrase "this too, shall pass" comes to mind. It has taken all this time in my life to trust the truth in that. No matter how stuck, how demoralized, how tired I seem to feel, something will pop up as a surprise.

This past Monday night, I dragged myself to the improvisational movement jam down at the Dance Complex, in Cambridge. Ok, I wanted to go, but I wasn't all that enthusiastic. When I got there, I got some badly needed exercise, reconnected with some good friends, and enjoyed myself a little more than I expected. OK.

When it was over, I was approached by a woman who wanted to borrow a copy of my book, read it, and write a review on Amazon. We had made contact before, but I hadn't decided anything back then. Usually, I don't lend books out. But for some reason I trusted her, so I handed her a copy and promised to follow up with her in a few weeks.

Then, after changing back into my "street clothes" and headed down to the sidewalk outside, my friend Michael Koran mentions to me that he needs a guest for his live TV program Sunday night. Would I be willing to be interviewed about my book and perhaps other topics? Um, well, ... sure, definitely! Mind you, this is essentially "community access television," which has a reputation for being ignored by most of the populace. But then again, this is "the people's republic of Cambridge" as we like to joke, one of the most politically active progressive cities in the country. "Of course," I said. Let's do this!

Then, in my email in box, I see a message from The Garment District, the consignment clothing store I mentioned in my book. For quite awhile by now, I've been thinking of asking them about putting copies of my book up for sale in their store. Although they're not known for stocking books (unless perhaps regarding fashion tips or how to apply makeup for Halloween), I thought, why not? So here they are, celebrating 32 years in business with a 32% store wide discount for the three hours duration of the celebration. And it's happening later this week! That was the impetus for me to finally call them and discuss terms. As I write this, I'm not sure what we can work out, but I'm hopeful.

So, there it is. A world of action has come about to replace the world of inaction I had been living in for the past few weeks. I sat down and updated my Appearances and Events page, feeling glad to fill in some things that take place before May!

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Falling Down, Getting Up Again

2/26/2018

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Over the past two weeks (since my last post on this blog), I've been so demoralized that I ended up letting things just sit. Except for a few half hearted efforts, I just completely lost my fizz for the entire enterprise (of book promotion). I even started working on my next book (a book of color photographs) because I wanted something more creative to do, and book promotion seemed like just so much drudgery.

But what happened was really due to much more than just classic burn out. It also had to do with some deep introspection. Being something of an engineer, I’ll number the paragraphs.

1. My book has sold just about as well as any self published book these days. Something under 300 copies in the first six months. Most authors sell to all their friends and family members and a few other acquaintances and that’s about it. To the rest of the world, your book is no different from the thousands of other books that are published every month, at least in the eyes of the book buying public. If nobody knows you (because you’re not already famous for some other reason), they will only learn of your book by chance.

This realization came to me like a fall off a cliff. While writing and editing the book, I had such dreams of exhilarating sales and recognition as a great (or at least very good) writer. Sorry, but it’s extremely rare that anyone achieves anything close to that. You have to “shout” pretty loudly to be heard above the “noise” of all those other authors trying to promote their books.

2. I looked back on the other major projects that I worked on in my life that ended up with no appreciable result. I started to wonder, what’s wrong with me that I throw myself into things so diligently, work for years (literally!) and end up with failure? Why do I keep trying? What motivates me to invest so much time in lost causes? Of course, in my melancholy mood, I forgot all the success I’ve had in the non-profit arena, such as my work as the founding president of ACMI, now a successful community media studio and educational resource. Or my significant contribution and support in the creation of CAT, the Con Advisory Team (a group of U.U. youth and adult advisors, formed to plan weekend retreats and youth outreach). But somehow the pain of failure seemed to be more prominent in my mind.

3. It seemed as if my life long effort to “change the world” had come to an end. Just because I think I have a perspective that is distinctly different from most of what I hear or read, it doesn’t mean that my ideas are truly unique, or even necessarily superior to anybody else’s. And even if they may have some special value, where is the response? My blog posts here seem to go without any comments. My tweets on Twittter seldom get any “likes” or retweets or replies. On Facebook, there is at least some response, but of course, that’s mostly from my friends who happen to be on Facebook, who already know me there. It doesn’t reach out to the outside world. Meanwhile political posturing, sniping, divisiveness, etc., seems to continue unabated. When there is a different voice, calling for love and collaboration, it’s rare, and I don’t seem to be able to break into the conversation and contribute.

Perhaps I have been “co-dependent with the world.” Co-dependency starts, when, as a child, you try to “fix” your parents, who seem so dysfunctional. If you are dumped into the role of adult too soon, in order to manage your own life and theirs to protect yourself from emotional harm, then you miss out on the natural process of being a child! You practice this struggle to “improve” them for so long (with the goal to relax and enjoy your childhood), that when you reach adulthood, you keep finding relationship partners who “need fixing” in a similar way. You “fall in love” with the same kind of dysfunctional people, over and over again, and the whole mess ends up scuttling any chance at a real adult to adult relationship!

Likewise, I want to live in a world that feels good, but it seems to be a rather painful place instead. So my instincts kick in and I try to “fix” everything, not only to improve my life, but life for my friends and others around me.

Good luck!

But then a funny thing happened. I started getting incoming messages from people who clicked “Contact Us” on this web site and filled in the form. Not too many, just a few. Here were people who actually wanted to talk to me, perhaps invite me to give a talk to their group, etc., and I was too depressed to even reply to them!

I met someone who really likes my book and my mission and started giving me 'pep talks' and talking up my book to others wherever she went. I went to the Fetish Flea Market just over a week ago and ended up in a conversation with some young men who urged me to contact PFLAG and BAGLY and offer to give talks, sit on panels, etc. Good point!

So, now I realize that, as hard as it’s been to do this work, this is actually what I imagined doing some time in the distant past. My book is not the end but merely a step in a process. I may not be able to change the world as a whole, but I can have a positive impact on at least a small part of it. I said in the past that if I can save one life (from suicide, perhaps), then all these years of writing and publishing will have been worth it. OK, here’s my opportunity.

It’s time to come to peace with all those failures of the past. Yes, they hurt. Yes, it took years to pay off the loans. But as depressed as I was after all that, I don’t need to dwell in that world. I don’t need to stay angry at how much time I “wasted” on those projects. Instead, I can find the people who can hold me while I grieve the pain of the past and find a way to put it all to bed. I’m one of those “moon in Cancer” people for whom there are a lot of tears to get over things, but it can be done. I don’t need to define my life as a series of failures.

And, unlike how I was lectured at when I was a child, I’m not headed for success because I’m following someone else’s strict instructions (making me a mere instrument of their plan). I’m going to do it because the credit belongs to me. Me, the person who took the initiative, dug in, worked hard, took the ideas that were given to me (from my intuition or mentioned by others) and made something out of them.

And, no I have no illusions that it’s all me. It’s a combination of all my effort, and all the resources I happen to have had available. I know damned well that as a “white” person, born male, grown tall and thin, with a good voice, raised middle class, living in the USA, I have had opportunities and resources that many other people in this world either don’t have or have been denied to them. But rather than worry about how that came to be, I think it’s my duty to take what I have and make something worthwhile to give to others - to give back to the world something significant in exchange for what privileges I’ve had. Of course, there are a lot of drawbacks to being a white male person raised middle class protestant during times of patriarchy, racism, and so forth. Apparently, as I write this, it’s going to take more time before we all start to realize that almost nobody, not even those supposedly at the “top of the heap” of privilege necessarily have smooth sailing through life (just look at the suicide rates for a clue). It’s up to all of us to listen to and understand each other as much as we can. Healing is needed in almost every walk of life. We’re all in this together, in the long run. To live right by each other and nature around us, it’s going to take everyone working together.

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Sad sometimes

2/8/2018

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You know, looking at photos of me at the show last weekend (that I just posted here on my product blog), now that it's a few days later, and seeing all the things I put on my table, I'm struck by something. I am actually pretty good at this.

It's hard work, but it's hard work for everybody who goes out to promote something, not just me, and not because I'm not doing it right. It just is.

I think there is a 'get rich' dream in this country where you imagine some great financial success.
Sure. But it's always hard work. Always. Winning the lottery is the only 'easy' way I know to get a lot of money, but you'll be more likely to be struck by lightning than win the lottery. For everyone else (practically everyone else), it takes work. Even the very rich ... athletes, actors, rock stars, etc. It took them a phenomenal amount of work. They just make it *look* easy because all the hard work is hidden behind the scenes. That's show business.

So promoting my book is not easy. I just got the report for January from Ingram. No sales (through bookstores and online) and one book was returned. So I lost a few dollars last month! I was shocked to see that. I sold over 20 books in person at the show I was just at (technically in February), but that's from my own stock.

I need to make a living, and even though the economy is supposedly 'heating up' the reality among me and my friends is that it's a struggle. If you lost a higher paying job and took a lower paying job instead, the unemployment figures still count you as employed, even though you're having a harder time. And if wages go up, that's per hour, but it doesn't really reflect how hard you are working during that hour. And that's an average statistic anyway - the top earners are making more, but for most people who don't supervise anyone else, wages are still pretty stagnant.

(Note: I posted these words on my personal Facebook page, then copied them here.)

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Settling Down

1/24/2018

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I am finally starting to see what this entails. As I may have mentioned before, if I was already famous (rock star, actor, athlete, or elected official), promoting my book might be easer. But this is my first book and I'm coming into the world as an unknown author. Sure, I have over 1000 'friends' on Facebook, but even that will get you only so far.

For every 100 messages or invitations I send out, less than 1 will actually buy a copy, and even fewer will actually read the whole book.

And yet, I seem to be hitting my stride, finally. I have to be in this for the long haul. Instead of the 'desperate struggle' I experienced last fall, I am seeing that I just need to put in a few hours every day, keep lining up appearances, keeping track of new opportunities as they come to my attention, and keep a balance between this work and the other requirements of daily life (keep up with my database contracting work, manage my finances, prepare my meals, go shopping, do the laundry, and get enough sleep!)

I now know that the best way to get the word out about a book is to write another book. Or at least keep up a social media presence, such as make a video for YouTube or Vimeo, monitor my Facebook & Twitter accounts, perhaps establish and use an Instagram account, and so on. Although I don't have all these bases covered perfectly (when will that ever happen?), I seem to be doing a reasonable job of this.

Although creativity is needed for this task, it's a whole different kind of creative effort, when compared to when I was actually writing the book! Each day brings a different experience. Last night, I just happened to fall into an opportunity to mention my book after another author had finished a presentation for her book ("Self-made Woman" by Denise Dubois - see the entry on my Product Blog). I ended up signing two copies of my book that guests bought from the bookstore on the spot! I even had a great conversation with one of them over dinner later after that. I went home with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

So it goes.

I understand from a report I read somewhere, that the market for memoirs is primarily women. I don't know how true that is, but that leaves me to discover what is the best way to reach women (primarily) who like to read memoirs, without leaving men and people of other gender identities feeling excluded. If you have any suggestions, I welcome them. As I see it, we're all on the same team, eventually. I think people will enjoy and get some tangible benefit from reading what I wrote, and I can keep paying the bills and perhaps write more useful things in the near future.

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The Dead of Winter

1/4/2018

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I guess pacing is pretty important. It's not everything, but it's a major factor in my life.

You see, as a creative person, I'm often driven by ideas that come to me. I jump at the chance to get them 'down on paper' or implemented in some way (shoot a photograph, produce a video, publish a book, create some software, etc.).

But if I just open the floodgates to this drive, it's easy to forget good self care. This is why trade unions were invented - so that the workers wouldn't get burned out chasing the dreams & ambitions of the owners. However, when you're self employed, you can be your own worst enemy. I mean, how can you go out on strike ... against yourself? So it's easy to run yourself off the rails and into the ground without realizing it.

During November and December 2017, I worked very hard to generate publicity for my book, "a man wearing a dress." I was under a lot of stress as money has been tight for me (the reasons are complicated) and income from other kinds of work has been limited. Although it turns out that I was probably doing an acceptable job, I'm not a professional publicity person, so I was constantly worrying that I wasn't doing enough, or working "smart enough," or perhaps even being counterproductive without realizing it.

Finally, it was time to travel to be with family of origin for the Christmas holiday. Wouldn't you know it, I felt extremely worn out by then. I felt a slight sore throat coming on but thought it wasn't going to amount to much, so I embarked on my trip. I caught a train to my mother's house in New Jersey. That was Friday the 22nd. The next day, at I developed a full blown head cold. Sneezing, coughing, runny nose, fatigue, the works. Not the flu, but certainly not fun to be with. So I spent the rest of the weekend in bed.

I remember feeling, as I was curled up in bed, as if I was now "embryonic." I imagined that I had somehow reverted to a bundle of stem cells, regrouping before growing into a new organism. I was too tired to imagine what I was to become, but this seemed to be a necessary stage. I imagined that I was about to grow into something better, but I can't tell you what gave me that confidence.

Fortunately, by Monday (Christmas day) I had recovered just enough to share dinner and gifts with my mother, my siblings, and our children.

On the way back the following Wednesday, I remember sitting on the train as it sped along the Connecticut shore, heading back to Boston. I had already finished reading the book I had brought with me (Beyond The Messy Truth), and had already read the newspaper I bought days earlier. It was dark by then, so there was nothing to look at outside the window. I had no seat mate to converse with. I had no energy to open my laptop computer to write anything. Finally, I realized, I just had to sit.

I had to just be.

Back at home, I ended up doing "nothing" for days. All motivation seemed to have evaporated. One day, I didn't even leave the house, just stayed in my bathrobe and hung out. My cold was over. I watched some TV, played some games on my phone. Took a nap. Shouldn't I be doing something? But I had to just let myself be. I worried at times. Had I completely lost it? Was I so burned out trying to publicize my book that I just couldn't do it anymore?

The bitter cold snap didn't help. Who wanted to go out in that? Of course, I did do a little grocery shopping, etc. I made plans to attend a low-key party with some friends on New Years Eve.

And then something interesting happened. A new friend approached me for help with an emotional crisis. I dove in and provided hours of support. She thanked me and worried openly that she was taking up too much of my time. But I said it was all ok. And it was.

You see, her appeal for my help was kind of like the angel Clarence in the movie It's a Wonderful Life. Clarence jumps into the river because he knows that George Bailey will forget his troubles for at least a moment and jump in to save Clarence instead. Here I was, jumping in to save someone, and it did a number of things for me. First, it energized me - stirred me into action. But second, and perhaps more importantly, it gave me a chance to observe what resources I have to express love in this world and support others in need. Helping her felt good to me and left me with a sense of fulfillment.

But, wait, ... as they say, ... there's more! The gratitude she expressed back to me gave me another chance to accept love from someone else. And that, in turn, helped me take another step in realizing that I deserve love in this world, even from myself. And finally, some of the advice I gave her, to pace herself, take one thing at a time, etc. turned out to be great advice for me! Of all things!

So, here I am, back at publicizing my book, working on developing some income producing work in the mean time, and worrying a lot less about how it all comes out. Sure, money is still tight, the future is uncertain, and I have a lot on my plate in my personal life. But going into burn out mode won't change any of that. I might as well take good care of myself, relax, just work on each task, take breaks, get enough rest, and stay open to any good news that might come along.

It sounds simple, right? And yet, somehow, it's easy for fear to creep in when you don't realize it, and you're back on the treadmill, the rat race, living the stressful life.

It's just life. Sure, my projects are valuable. And at the same time, I'm a valuable person. Taking good care of myself by pacing myself is really job one. I'll always express love and support for others, but learning to receive it and ask for help and support when I need it is just as important. After all, without me in good emotional shape, my projects are not likely to go well anyway.

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Remembering what it felt like, ...

12/11/2017

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I was just watching a video from TIME magazine, about the “Person of the Year” cover story. Different people (a number of women and one man) talked about what it was like to live in constant fear – if they said anything, they might lose their jobs, be blocked from ever working in their chosen field again, or be subjected to physical violence.

You know, it’s strange, but I remember feeling most of those things myself, but as a child. I think some times we don’t take it as seriously when a child is threatened by other children. Or when a child is threatened by an adult, because we assume that the child misbehaved or did something bad.

But the voices of these people, as they described why they didn’t speak up before, reminded me of what it felt like. I felt a kind of tension in my chest, perhaps from taking slow measured breaths, almost as if the very air escaping from my lungs might be enough to earn me some kind of nightmarish retaliation. It was almost as if my very breath, or a slight change to the look on my face, might give a clue as to how angry I was, how terrified I was, how hurt I felt.

No wonder some kids who are bullied commit suicide! And on rare occasion some people to kill others in the process. The feelings of being trapped, of being powerless, and of emotional pain, ... are that intense.

Fortunately, I never tried to kill myself or anyone else. I kept it all bottled up inside, for the most part. Or I ended up in a “Why don’t you ... Yes, but ...” back-and-forth with my parents, who didn’t really understand what to do about the “problem.” The problem was bigger than they were, bigger than the school or the teachers or administrators, bigger than my town or even my state. It was so big that it reached everywhere because it was based on the very culture in which we lived. A set of assumptions held by almost everybody, without realizing that there were other choices.

Now it’s all starting to come out. This, it seems to me, is stage one. We must hear this. We must listen to these stories until everyone gets a chance to tell theirs, no matter what it takes. We must hear the women, and the men, and the children.

Eventually, we’ll be ready for stages two and three. Those are going to be just as tough as stage one. But not yet. First, let's just listen.

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I did it!

Year End Message

A Major Shift in My Life

Hibernation, then emergence

Inspiration seems to fall from the sky, ... sometimes.

Falling Down, Getting Up Again

Sad sometimes

Settling Down

The Dead of Winter

Remembering what it felt like, ...

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